Forgive and Remember...

^{Forgive and Forget Remember...}

²¹ Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 

²² Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

Matthew 18: 21-22

So, something that’s been following me around like a bad smell lately is the issue concerning forgiveness.

I’m pretty sure– certain in fact that we all at some point, if not currently are faced with this issue. Whether the ‘wrong’ that has been done to us is big or small we are faced with two choices:

1.  ‘Forgive and forget'

This really translates into ‘get over it momentarily, pretend everything’s fine for an easy life and eventually it will be forgotten and all is forgiven’. That is... until that next time the person messes up and the memories come flooding back all too quickly... what then? Defences come down, emotions spring up like a dormant volcano and something that was so small explodes uncontrollably into something so big with consequences that are often irreversible and much harder to forgive or ever forget.

     2.    Don’t forgive, don’t forget swallow the bitter pill of un-forgiveness and ‘move on’.

See with this one it’s all well and good until friends and family have disappeared and things are awkward at work because you don’t speak to anyone anymore. Consumed in bitterness you drive a wedge between those that you love and you’re left out in the cold with only your resentment keeping you company.

Both choices are tried and tested personally and both have failed.

Forgiveness is a constant decision, not just a one off choice. It takes commitment and humility. It takes mercy and patience- it takes reminding. To be all of those things I don’t know about you but it doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m not strong enough to battle that war alone. It’s God’s strength and not my own that will help me be all those things. Now I understand that part I’m faced with the reality that remembering hurts, it becomes a case of re-living the pain, the anger, the sadness and all the emotions that followed the betrayal, the thoughtlessness, the insensitivity or whatever the incident may have been.

Who really wants to relive something that hurt them, every day and every moment? Having it replayed in your mind and your heart and each time more painful than the one before. All we want to do really is forget and move on, get over it and leave it in the past. Do you ever feel like that? But then there’s a feeling of something holding you back?

The problem with choices one and two at the top of this page is that both options allow the problem to manifest and give it the opportunity to fester and grow. Whether it is buried deep down (which I always find causes further damage in the long run) or whether it is played out at the forefront and divides relationships and causes animosity, either way there is always guaranteed damage.

I know the potential option that involves remembering doesn’t seem that appealing at the moment but hear me out.

I find whenever the Lord wants me to catch something he speaks through all kinds of things; situations, conversations with friends, music, television, anything. Well lately he’s been speaking through everything!

My personal obstacle with forgiveness that I have been faced with for a while concerns forgiving someone who broke my heart. Now we’ve all been there and it’s far from easy to bounce back from.

My attitude of late has been ‘I’ve done enough. It was enough to distance myself from him so now I’m free from the whole situation. I’ve forgiven him and forgotten about everything so time to move on with my life.’ (option 1)

But as anticipated it’s repeating on me. While revisiting the root of the problem seems undesirable, there seems little else to do as my current way of dealing with my heartache doesn’t seem to be any better.

My guards are firmly up, my vulnerable wounded heart is safely guarded behind a 10ft tall wall of steal and ‘aint no man getting through that baby. ‘ Lol. So every relationship I ever have with a man following this heartbreak seems doomed before it’s even begun, I have testimonies of that too which is sad. And this isn’t to say I can’t or haven’t dated since then or spoken to guys, this is to confess that there is always a line drawn to how far it can go, there’s always a cap on how much I am willing to give, there is always a limit to how much I let someone in.

Mistrust and insecurity, uncertainty and fear blocks every exit. I have to say the worst part about it all is that my heart is completely comfortable behind this wall, but my spirit yearns for companionship. I find it’s all good and well no hurt getting in, but what about the love that I want to come out? Does the struggle of remembering and going through the hurt for a short time to forgive, outweigh the consequences of un forgiveness in the long run?

A favourite quote of mine:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love...is Hell” (C.S Lewis, The Four Loves)

So my friend puts it to me recently, her personal issues with forgiveness, (coincidence? I think not!). She was watching SATC (not always a good idea on your own in a vulnerable state) and she asks my advice on whether I think it’s a good idea for her to forgive two people she feels she has things unsettled with. My friend is so profound and I love her; she says ‘God wants us to make peace with everyone but is impulse the right way?’  She went onto explain that she wanted to use facebook as a means of reaching out and letting the other people know basically that all is forgiven and no hard feelings on her part.

This led me to a few questions. In the process of forgiveness is the ‘guilty party’ significant? If so should their response affect our choice? What are our true intentions when involving them and letting them know they are forgiven?

My response to this was that I don’t believe making peace is wrong in fact it’s really good but is it something that needs to involve other people?  For instance, when we actively involve the other person in the forgiveness process are we seeking affirmation from them? Regret on their part? Some sort of accountability displayed from them that can give us that peace that comes from us being in the right and them accepting they were in the wrong?

My only problem with this then is that if our actions at that moment in time when we are feeling forgiving are dictated by the response we expect and hope for and maybe aren’t responded to in the way we would like- what then? What about the increased pressure it puts on our emotions for the person to turn around and have forgotten about it ages ago- or even worse believe they have nothing to be forgiven for or sorry about? What then?

Once we have made the first move by telling them we forgive them don’t we just surrender all rights to be angry, mad upset or hurt over what they did?  With a valid response from them ‘I thought you said you’d forgiven me for that?’

Isn’t forgiveness our actions and not our words?

For me, I pray that forgiveness doesn’t necessarily involve the person... (I know hiding away doesn’t help) but is something between me and God. I understand it is something I will have to learn and a skill that needs refining every day.

My friend wisely questioned whether her impulsive actions were a good idea even though her intentions and heart were in the right place, and she was right to do so. Just because we feel like forgiving today doesn’t mean we may feel like forgiving tomorrow. This is not to say that by choosing not to inform the other person of our plans to forgive them, we are free to change our minds and pick and choose when we feel like forgiving. However, time used wisely and counselling by the person who knows all about forgiveness (Jesus) is often what’s needed.

By being offered the opportunity to work through issues of un forgiveness and question why we are hurt and deal with it and question why it still bothers us and deal with it and really get to the root of the problem, will help us to understand ourselves more and the forgiveness shown to the other person will be fruits of that process that uncover the path of counselling we have taken rather than a pressure to always be amicable because we SAID we’d forgiven them.

This would hopefully help us to avoid those situations where we find ourselves defensively reaching out for the first harsh words that spring to mind, shaming the other person concerning their short comings when they are wrong again or do something to upset us, or for instance when the person wants to ring us up picking up from where we left off and we find that we are still hurt, but having to sweep those feelings back underneath the carpet. But we face it properly, treat it as a brand new situation and practice humility, patience and mercy towards our friends, family co workers or whoever.

My good friend always says your character speaks for you and she also told me that un forgiveness is like drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die- when we act resentful and bitter we hurt and hold back no one but ourselves.

I find that my issues concerning not forgiving others root from not being able to forgive myself. I am a Christian and a firm believer that Jesus died so I would be forgiven. I’ve finally come to the realization that I’m far from perfect J and that counting my wrongs will take forever but if Jesus can forgive me my sins that is all the more reason for me to let go of my grudges and forgive others. I am beginning to understand that for every person that I need to forgive I need to be forgiven by somebody else.

So to conclude I have another option to add

               3. Be merciful. Forgive and remember.

Remind yourself daily to forgive. Ask for help from God for the strength to be able to do it. Enjoy peace and honour your relationships.

The Journey on your way to your break through is never comfortable, far from easy but always worth it... (Loveli Planet_loveli@twitter.com)

Yours Truly

Love x